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On this date thirty years ago, I came into the in the world a little bit after 10:50AM. Minutes before, my other half and my twin sister was born.
We were both born prematurely. The story goes that all the babies in the NICU at Flushing Hospital were dying. My parents didn’t hold out much hope that we would survive. By grace, we did.
This first chapter would be a recurring theme in my life. Over the years, there would be challenges physically, mentally and emotionally that would test my resolve. The following examples are the most prevalent ones in my life but not a complete list of my challenges.
Not long after birth, I found out that I have the mild form of cerebral palsy. That led to a list of challenges and quite a few surgeries on my legs and on both eyes that would leave me with one good eye to name a few. There’s a picture in my mother’s archives of me at three years old with both legs in casts.
As the years went on, I would have three more surgeries on my leg with the last one in 2001. It took all of my strength not to give up on myself through the pain and rehabilitation involved in getting back to full strength. But in August 2002, I heard the magic phrase, “you can take the brace off”. After a lifetime of being made to feel different, I could get on with the rest of my life.
On the mental and emotional side, the next challenge would come in the form of deciding where to go to college. I had been with some of my friends since elementary school and I dreaded letting go of them. The days of June 26th and 27th 2003 were both joyous and difficult as I graduated from high school but faced the brave new world that had such people in it, better known as John Jay College.
The college years would test whether or not I could handle life free of my previous past. It would be five years before I would receive my BA in Criminal Justice. As I held my diploma in my hand, I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment as there were moments particularly after every failed CUNY exam where it seemed like I wouldn’t survive.
If college was a challenge, the next stage of my life would bring my resolve full circle. I didn’t know where I would end up in regards to a career. Mention criminal justice and the assumption is that I would be a cop. I kept stalling as I didn’t know where I fit in the system. There’s one other thing working against me, I had no previous work experience. I would spend the better half of the next six years between volunteering and interning before finding full employment in January 2014.
For all the obstacles, the resolve to live a good life is a work in progress. My recent trip to Spain is such an example. I wanted to go on vacation at some point before my birthday but I dragged my feet on making a decision. I eventually did and had a great time. The fact that the trip happened at all is an another on the list of accomplishments. The one goal missing now is having peace of mind and a stronger sense of self. And there’s one other unfulfilled goal, living life without the feeling of emptiness after each moment of joy. It would be nice not to feel so lonely on a daily basis.
Life is not a solo journey. I couldn’t of gotten through it all without the love and support of my family. Even if at times it felt like my back was against the wall, I know they would be cheering for me all the way. My friends have been my ears to listen and my shoulders to cry on at various points. The most important person in the journey is my sister and my twin, Natalie. We’ve been through everything together even though we’re not so close these days. I will be grateful forever and a day that I’m not an only child.
My twenties are in the history books. The fact that I’m alive and kicking after everything I’ve been through the last twenty nine years makes me grateful to exist. Even if there’s days where I wish I didn’t. I’m hoping that my thirties continue the run of hope and joy that ended the second decade of my life. For every mountain at my gates, I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m able to scale them and plant my flag at the summit.
