Graduation day (And all that could’ve been)
Five years ago today, I graduated from John Jay College with my BA in Criminal Justice. It wasn’t love at first sight that brought me to this day. On my CUNY application John Jay was fourth of six choices. Hunter, Queens and Lehman College rejected me as my SAT scores were too low to get an exemption from the placement exams. I ended up taking the placement exams in March of 2003 at John Jay. I passed the reading exam easily but failed both the math and writing exams as both of them were timed exams. The only choices left were John Jay, Queensborough Community College and LaGuardia CC. I got a card in the mail and had to pick between the three schools listed. I wasn’t sure which school I wanted to go to but my dad made the decision for me when he said “I want you to stay in Queens for college, so if anything happens to you, we’ll be able to reach you quicker” and I marked the X next to John Jay.
But before the Fall semester began, I had to go through their Basic Skills classes that Summer. To the surprise of no one, I failed both exams again and was placed in remedial English and Math classes for the semester. It didn’t help that the exams were the same day my sister left for college and I was a mess and struggling with the fact that I would see her only on holidays for the next four years.
The first day of class was on Tuesday, September 3rd 2003. The first year was disorienting getting used to the fact that I was on my own with no friends around. But for the lack of social contact outside of class, I spent my time away from campus exploring Manhattan and/or hanging out at the Barnes & Nobles and Tower Records at Lincoln Center. I started that year off on shaky ground with a 2.5 GPA but come spring it would be a 3.2. I also passed the writing exam on my third attempt that December.
The inconsistency would continue until the Fall of 2005. I initially applied and was accepted as a BA in Public Administration but after taking Public Admin 101 and getting a D, I changed my major to BA from AS in Criminal Justice. I would pass the COMPASS math exam the following year after it was changed to an un-timed format and a summer full of tutoring. I also passed the CPE on my third attempt in the Summer of 2007 after being forced into tutoring and god knows how many practice essays at the Writing Center. I also righted the ship and for the remainder of my time in school, never did worse than a B average every semester.
I would’ve graduated the same year as my sister did in 2007, but had to wait a year to complete the requirements of my BA. But that day, a Thursday had arrived. It was the afternoon ceremony at the Theater at MSG. As I stood on line in my cap and gown, I couldn’t believe I was here, despite all the turmoil of having control of my life for the first time and driving the car over the cliff multiple times. I crossed the stage and felt joyous that I made it this far on my own. As the sun lowered in the sky, I found my family and my sister’s best friend who I gave my extra ticket to thank her for inviting me to her wedding. We then made it back to Queens as my dad parked the car in Astoria before heading out to dinner that evening. On July 31st, 2008 I would arrive at John Jay to pick up my diploma and as soon as I saw it in my hand the first time, I felt as joyous as I did the day I was able to walk on my own two feet for the first time without braces six years earlier.
I had no idea how difficult the aftermath of college would be, until I created my resume and had nothing to stand on other than my degree. I know I should’ve thought about what I wanted to do after college but I was focused on the reason I was there, to get my degree and multitasking would make my grades suffer. I live with that guilt every single day.
As I look at my degree on the wall with a larger sized photo from that day above, the guilt briefly dissipates. I remember everyone I every met, both classmates and professors that left their mark on me. I gained an appreciation for the Criminal Justice system as the years went by. Did I make mistakes, definitely. For the first time in my life, everything was in my control and the results speak for themselves. But the only thing that’ll make the guilt go away completely is something I don’t have right now, a stable life. And all of this will never be the same again.
