Adore life
The title of this post has become my mantra for this year. It also happens to be the title of my favorite album of 2016, by the London band Savages. In the song of the same name, front woman Jehny Beth asks the question “is it human to adore life?” to which she replies, I adore life. In these last twelve months, I would be in search of the answer to this question.
I began to openly question everything I was doing. I sit at my desk all day interacting with people over the phone wanting to donate furniture. I try not to take every moment of frustration personally yet it’s unavoidable as I have this need to please everyone and avoid getting myself into trouble. It came to a head on January 26th. That morning started normally but five bad calls in three hours had me sobbing in the office. I had finally cracked and was written up as a result. And in the aftermath, I spend my days trying to keep my head on straight. For the moments of success, they go completely over my head whereas the failures stick around like bad dreams. I feel like Charlie Brown waiting for someone to call me a blockhead. I’ve tried to be strong in the departures of my friends Kristen and Ian among a long list of colleagues leaving but keeping a positive mind frame on the job is a struggle, to say the least.
Then came the lowest point of the year on April 13th. My dad’s brother had been ill for two years and we thought he was recovering but he was readmitted to the hospital a few days earlier. That Wednesday morning at 6 AM, we got the dreaded phone call that he passed away. I went from the euphoria of seeing David Gilmour at MSG hours earlier to the sky falling. I felt so bad for my dad and cousin, losing a brother and father respectively. I was in a state of denial until the morning of the viewing on the 23rd. Walking into the room and seeing the casket was an overwhelming experience and brought mortality front and center. As the guests were looking back on his life, all the acrimony of sixteen years living with us disappeared. From this moment on and for always, I began to adore everyone in my life, no matter the distance between us.
For all the sorrow and frustration, there have been many moments of joy. From my first night at the Metropolitan Opera to start the year, to celebrating at the birthday parties of my friends, Beatrice, Erin Hall, Theresa, Jen and Kenji. To all the concerts this year covering the last fifty years of British rock from Sir Paul McCartney to Foals , with three appearances at my friend Erin’s group, Erin & Her Cello’s shows for good measure. I went to my first NY Rangers and Syracuse basketball games in addition to seeing the Red Bulls and the Yankees play. And there was the long weekend in Niagara Falls and Toronto with my sister Natalie in June. On top of all that, we welcomed the newest member of our family as my cousin Chris became a father to a beautiful baby girl, Camilla in January. Christmas was a family affair, the eve was spent with my family and the day was spent in the company of my friend Jen and her fellow unicorns who are my extended family. In the last twelve months a lot happened and it would be difficult to cram everything in one post, I apologize if I missed any events.
Everything I’ve done this year set the stage for the main event, my return trip to Spain at the end of October. This week was in the cards starting the day after coming home from Madrid last November. This time, I would visit Barcelona, Bilbao and Madrid, with stops in Zaragoza, San Sebastian and Segovia along the way. And I fell in love with Spain all over again. It didn’t hurt that I was travelling with in good company, among them would be Sandi from St. Augustine, Florida. She helped me through the cobblestones at Parc Guell and from there a friendship was born. I felt as if all my troubles went away this week and the person I wish I were showed up instead of the dormouse that lives here. It’s no surprise that I didn’t want to come back to New York after this trip. But I figure that Spain and I will meet again somewhere down the road.
In answering the question at the start of post, it is human to adore life. That joy in living helps balance out the moments where it feels as life is a kick in the teeth. It also helps that I have my friends and family, old and new to help in enjoying every moment of life and there to snap me back from beating myself up. Despite all of the struggles in trying to stand on my own two feet, I remain unbowed in trying to make a good life for myself, even if I don’t know what that looks like right now.
As 2016 is about to end, there are a few things to look forward to in 2017. At the end of January I will make it to three years employed full time and I’ll be celebrating the milestone during a long weekend in San Francisco with my sister Natalie. On the ides of March, Wednesday night March 15th, I’ll be seeing Green Day & Against Me! in concert at the Barclay’s Center. Then on June 17th, I’ll be seeing Sigur Ros in concert at Forest Hills Stadium. And probably sometime in September or October, I plan to travel back to Europe, visiting the emerald isle better known as Ireland. The rest of the story that is 2017 is still to be written.
I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and those that pay attention to it. This space gives me a voice that’s easier to communicate ideas that get lost in conversation. I enjoyed writing each piece as it’s a labor of love. I hope to have many more stories to tell in the new year. I wish all of my friends and family around the world and their families near and far, a safe, healthy and Happy New Year!
I give the last word for the year to an infinitely wiser person. The song is, “I’m Still Here” from Mr. Stephen Sondheim and his 1971 show, “Follies” has come to symbolize my determination to rise up from adversity. The lyrics of the last verse of the song: I’ve run the gamut, A to Z, Three cheers and dammit, C’est la vie, I got through all of last year, and I’m here, Lord knows, at least I was there, and I’m here, Look who’s here, I’m still here!
